A therapist’s thoughts about why the mother-daughter bond is important, and what you can do to help it heal, grow, or flourish
If you were to ask any adult woman about her relationship with her mother, you’d probably hear lots of different responses. That’s why holidays like Mother’s Day can evoke a really wide variety of feelings from people, depending on their unique experiences. In my work as a therapist specializing in women’s issues, and also through simple observation of women close to me and their bonds with their mothers, I’ve seen many different types of mom-and-daughter ties. I’ve observed warm, affirming, and healthy relationships between moms and their adult daughters, and I’ve also born witness to the pain that comes from a mother-daughter relationships that is full of criticism, shaming, guilt, and other unhealthy patterns. Now, a few caveats here: although mothers can absolutely sustain deep wounds from unhealthy behavior on the part of their adult daughters, the thoughts in this particular blog post focus mainly on an adult daughter’s perspective and experience, as this is the perspective I see more often in my office as a therapist (many of my female clients come to me needing to do some exploration and healing from relationships with their mothers). Furthermore, as women, we are absolutely impacted by all of our caregivers, including our fathers and our mothers, or any father- or mother-figures that were part of our childhood experience. The subject of adult women and their bonds with other primary caregivers like fathers is another (vitally important!) topic for another day. But the focus of this post is on the female bond between mothers (or mother-like figures) and adult daughters. Let’s take a moment to think about why it’s important that we look particularly at this relationship.
So far, we’ve established that the tie between a mother and an adult daughter can vary widely, encompassing the very good, the bad, and the ugly. But no matter what, one thing that is true of all mother-daughter relationships (or relationships between adult women and the mother-figures in their lives) is the importance of this bond. The tie between moms and daughters is integral for many reasons. As babies and throughout childhood, we learn from our primary caregivers many essential lessons about life, ourselves, and the world. These relationships are our first experiences of intimate connection with other humans. And the mother-daughter bond is unique: studies have discovered that this relationship has more impact on a girl’s future self-esteem and adult interpersonal/relationship skills than any other relationship in a girl’s life. Basically, a mother’s manner of relating to her daughter in her daughter’s early years will have a profound impact on that daughter into adulthood.
To add to this, the concept of womanhood, what it means to be a woman, is a cultural legacy, passed down from mother to daughter through generations. As women, we learned from our mothers, or from mother-like figures early in life what “womanhood” means and looks like. And they, in turn, learned from their mothers before them, and so on. It’s a beautiful and very moving thought, because some of the things that can get passed on from mothers to daughters in this generational legacy of womanhood are good and beautiful: traits like resiliency, compassion, or courage. But this generational legacy from our moms can also have painful ramifications. This is because other things that can be passed on include family dysfunction, inter-generational traumas, attachment/relationship wounds, and the pain that these can leave behind. For example, if the matriarch of a family (a grandmother or other female leader of a family) has experienced an adverse or traumatic event, such as a rape, abuse, assault, or oppression on a larger scale like systemic racism or sexism, this is going to affect how she relates to others, especially when confronted with triggers or the traumatic experiences of family members. She might develop coping mechanisms or survival skills like denial, minimizing, perfectionism/criticism of others, becoming manipulative or emotionally “closed off,” or others. The relational wounds caused by these survival mechanisms are then passed on from grandmother, down to mother, and adult daughter, and the impacts can be profound. This means that the bond between mothers and their daughters carries a deep history, because our relationships as adult women with our mothers have been shaped by generations of women and the experiences they have gone through.
If you’re reading this and are enjoying a warm, emotionally intimate, and accepting relationship with your own mom, that’s fantastic! You have a gift to be treasured, and can pass this legacy of healthy female-to-female relationships to your own friends, nieces, daughters, or other women in your life. However, if that doesn’t describe your experience, and you’re currently struggling with a painful relationship with your mom, there are things you can do to foster your own healing and flourishing, as well as (if it’s possible, safe, and something that you want) encourage health and growth in your relationship with your mom.
Recognize generational patterns or dysfunction in your family. An important step to healing might be identifying what’s been passed down to you and why. Understanding the legacy your mom has passed to you, as well as understanding how her pain and wounds might have impacted the way she relates to you, can be incredibly helpful in your own healing process. This can help you develop a healthy sense of separation as you begin to understand that your mom’s hurtful actions, words, or manner of relating to you might have much more to do with her own experiences, and do not reflect on you. Therapy might be a helpful component here.
Communicate clearly and respectfully with your mom. When you have desires or expectations, it’s okay to tell her, so that she knows where you’re coming from. It’s also a good idea to ask her what her expectations or desires are, to give the both of you an opportunity to address any issues regarding expectations. Set firm and healthy boundaries. If your feelings have been hurt by mom, let her know. Use “I feel” statements, in which you clearly communicate how you’re feeling and what has happened that led to that feeling. (For example, “When you criticize my appearance, I feel very hurt and sad.” You can also add a boundary statement onto this if you choose, such as “I do not want to talk about my appearance with you unless I explicitly ask for your opinion. Otherwise, I won’t be engaging in any conversations with you about how I look.”)
Understand that your mom is a human, with her own experiences, traumas, relationship wounds from her mother, etc. Offer grace when you can. This does not mean making excuses or putting yourself in the position to be wounded again. You can have boundaries that are as firm as you need them to be, while also acknowledging the humanity of your mom.
Remember that you can only control your words, choices, actions, etc., not those of your mom. You can’t choose how she acts towards you, but you can control how you respond. You can control the boundaries that you set in place. If your mom has significant trauma in her past and she does not pursue healing or take steps to work through her issues in a healthy way, it’s unfortunately likely that she won’t change. But the change you’re looking for can start with you! Consider going to therapy, if you’re not already. This is a fantastic way to begin to work through the generational wounds that you might have sustained through the course of your relationship with your mom. Choosing to work through these things in therapy can be your gift to yourself, and to future generations, your friends, family members, your partner, and more. It can be your way of saying, “The generational trauma stops here. Healing will begin with me.”
I specialize in working with women, and the subject of painful mother-daughter relationships is an issue that I frequently encounter and help clients heal from in my office. If you live in the greater Burlington area in Vermont, and are interested in exploring how therapy can help you as you navigate the journey of healing in your relationship with your mom, it would be my privilege to work with you. Contact me today, and we can talk more.